I really like to talk about sex. Hot married sex, if you will.
It’s not because I am overly frisky or anything….but I have experienced what it’s like to be in a marriage with “intimacy” that breads pain, shame, and looks nothing like the love of God, and I have been in a marriage where the physical expression of love glorifies the Lord and fosters a marriage bond that flourishes. I want every marriage to experience this kind of beauty and fun!
You may remember a blog I wrote on the best married date night advice I had ever received, click here to read it, SBD…it’s not what you think!. I hope it inspired and empowered you to invest in your connection with your spouse, or keep it in your back pocket for when you’re married. I want to pass along some other advice that rocked my world…or my sex life to be exact.
My husband and I are very committed to honoring and protecting our marriage. This means that we guard our hearts, minds, eyes, and time from stuff that could lead to distraction and division between us. We both previously experienced the real damage that often happens when these safeguards aren’t in place, so we are on high alert.
I’m getting real, you ready?
How many of us have been in the middle of the deed, eyes closed, feeling good, when suddenly a different face comes to mind? It’s all working great and moving in the right direction so you don’t do anything about it. It’s not like anyone else would know, right? I have been guilty of this a time or two, and it’s not ok. But the truth is, we’ve made an excuse for it. It’s become normal and “harmless.” Some even say it’s helpful! But that’s a lie. The truth is, it’s dangerous. VERY DANGEROUS.
I’ll explain. Let’s say the face that pops up is a long ago and far away somebody. Someone you haven’t seen or heard from in forever, and you wouldn’t even know where they are or what they look like now. Seems harmless, right? Wrong. That long ago and far away person might be “safe” but the more we allow this pattern, the odds of that face becoming someone much closer and accessible are far greater. Soon, that face turns into the guy in your office who you love to joke around with, or the girl who always tells you she wishes she could find someone like you. The danger has become much more real.
You say, “But it’s not like I’d ever go there!” Well, I believe you, but the truth is you have already gone there. While it didn’t happen in the physical realm, it was certainly happening in the mind…and, in this instance, it was also connected to the body, so it might as well have been real. Your body now associates that person with that pleasure.
Still with me?
Before you stop reading, let me tell you how I’ve changed this habit in my life. My husband and I were at a marriage seminar. The speakers were a husband and wife team and they were talking about the dangers of porn, how they safeguard their marriage, etc. As the speaker was listing the things they do to protect themselves, he said something that caught my attention and changed everything.
KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN.
Yes, eyes open. At first I thought he was nuts, but then I began to think about it and let it sink in. You see, when we shut our eyes we shut ourselves off from our partner. It takes two to do this tango and if we close our eyes we are too easily tempted to allow the enemy to supplant our spouse with someone else. It seems harmless, and even more sexy, but it’s all in the name of division. The enemy wants to divide you two! That’s his ultimate goal.
God loves marriage. He created it to reflect the love and perfect union of the Trinity. When two become one in this Holy union, the enemy wants to do everything he can to pry it apart. So don’t let him! Get mad! Do whatever it takes to keep that union close and pure.
Open your eyes!
I even go so far as to say NO (usually in my head, sometimes out loud) when the enemy tries to hijack my mind. I say, “Enemy, you don’t get to play, this is sacred time. It’s worship and I will honor my husband and my Jesus with heart, soul, body, and my mind. You have no place here.”
I am fierce about the covenant I’ve made with my husband. We both know that we’re not perfect but we come into agreement and commit to having the minds of Christ, which means we submit all thoughts to Him. The sin isn’t the thought, it’s what you do with it that is important.
You want intimacy? Look at your lover! Do you long for connection? Don’t shut yourself off from them! Open your eyes. It may be awkward and actually challenging at first. It’s a vulnerable experience to be sure! But what did you sign up for? We’re so used to the comfortable patterns we have established that we don’t realize they are often killing our intimacy and robbing us of the goodness that is possible. Trust me, if you will take this risk, it’s worth it.
Marriage can be glorious! It really can be more than you’ve ever imagined, but you must let the other in.
Open your eyes. It’s better that way. Look at that sexy creature you are married to and enjoy it! I think you’ll be glad you did.
Eyes wide open,